BURNING OUR HEARTS OUT JESUS FUCK I CAN’T DEAL WITH THESE EMOTIONS!
DO YOU WANT TO TEAR YOUR HEART OUT AND MAKE SOME GORGEOUS FUCKING CUPCAKES? IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS AND SOB MESSILY IN A CORNER WITH THESE BAKED ALASKA CUPCAKES!
STRAWBERRY CENTERED BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK SHOULDN’T WE MAKE A SYMBOLIC BLOODY HEART TO SINK OUR TEETH INTO, UNTIL RIVERS OF RED DRIP FROM OUR WRISTS.
(YOU WILL NEED ALCOHOL FOR THIS RECIPE! POSSIBLY ADULT SUPERVISION.)
WHY DO WE DO THIS SHIT TO OURSELVES? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW! FANDOM PAIN IS THE BEST AND WORST PAIN.
I’M BEING A LAZY FUCK AND USING SOME STORE BOUGHT VANILLA CUPCAKE DRY MIX.
THAT BULLSHIT REQUIRES 1 BOX OF THE MIX, 1 CUP OF YOUR FANDOM TEARS, DISTILLED UNTIL THERE IS ONLY PURE WATER, NONE OF THAT SALTY SORROW.
FIND A WINGED BEING AND HUG THEM FEIRCELY UNTIL THEY DROP 3 EGGS INTO YOUR WAITING HANDS OUT OF SHEER CONFUSION AS TO YOUR PASSIONATE EMBRACE!
VICIOUSLY PUNCH A TUB OF MILK WHILE IMAGINING A CERTAIN SOMEONE’S FACE (YOU KNOW WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT, AND HIS SCREWDRIVER WASN’T THE SONIC KIND!) UNTIL YOU OBTAIN 1/2 A CUP OF BUTTER.
MELT IT WITH YOUR FURY!
SET YOUR OVEN TO 350 DEGREES F
DUMP EVERYTHING IN A BOWL AND MIX SLOWLY, GENTLY PUSHING THE MIXTURE AROUND AND COOING SOFT REASSURANCES THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT, WE STILL HAVE SEASON 9 TO LOOK FORWARD TO. THIS SHOULD TAKE TWO MINUTES
REALIZE THAT THERE IS, IN FACT, A HIATUS, AND WHIP YOUR STIRRING ARM INTO A FRENZY! SCREAM YOUR FRUSTRATION AND ANGST INTO THE SKY AND STIR VIOLENTLY FOR ANOTHER MINUTE.
GET A CUPCAKE PAN READY WITH THE PUREST WHITE PAPER CUPS. (NO YOU MAY NOT FUCKING LEAVE THEM OUT, IT MAKES EVERYTHING NEAT AND TIDY, AND YOU BETTER SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR THESE POOR BASTARDS!)
SCOOP SOME OF THAT GORGEOUS BATTER INTO THE PAPER CUPS LAYING INNOCENTLY WITHIN YOUR CUPCAKE PAN, AND EASE THEM INTO THE OVEN FOR 20 MINUTES. (PAPER CUPCAKE CUPS SHOULD ONLY BE 2/3 FULL WITH RAW BATTER)
WHEN THEY ARE BAKED PROPERLY, REMOVE THEM, ALLOW THEM TO REGAIN THEIR COMPOSURE AT ROOM TEMPERATURE, THEN KICK THEM TO A COLD LOCATION FOR REFRIGERATION. (FREEZER IS BEST, ASSHAT! YOUR CUPCAKES NEED TO BE NEARLY FUCKING FROZEN!)
WHILE YOUR CUPCAKES ARE BECOMING GRACEFUL AND BEAUTIFUL IN THE FRIDGE, GATHER 2 CUPS OF THE FRESHEST STRAWBERRIES AND SLICE THEM WITH THAT SILVER BLADE YOU KEEP ON HAND FOR ALL PROPER RITUALS.
SET THESE GORGEOUS MOTHERFUCKERS OFF TO THE SIDE, AND PREPARE YOUR BODY TO MAKE SOME MERINGUE!
YOU’LL NEED 6 EGGS, BUT ONLY THE WHITES! NONE OF THAT YELLOW SHIT IN MERINGUE, JUST THE CLEAR STUFF~
WANT TO KILL SOME MINI MINOTAURS? YOU’LL NEED SOME TARTAR SAUCE, BUT FOR THIS RECIPE, YOU ONLY NEED 1/4 TEASPOON OF CREAM OF TARTAR.
GROW YOUR OWN SUGAR CANE FIELDS SO YOU CAN HARVEST 1/2 CUP OF SUGAR.
IN A LARGE MIXING BOWL, WORK YOUR MUSCLES BY WHIPPING THE EGG WHITES UNTIL THEY’RE FOAMY, ADD TARTAR UNTIL PEAKS START TO FORM. HOLY FUCK, RABID EGGS!
KEEP MIXING, AND GRADUALLY ADD SUGAR UNTIL THE MIXTURE STARTS TO GET STIFF AND GLOSSY.
CRANK YOUR OVEN OP TO BROIL.
NOT BOIL, ASSHOLE, BROIL. WITH AN ‘R’. THAT MEANS THE VERY TOP OF YOUR OVEN IS HOT AS A METEOR-LIKE OBJECT ROCKETING THROUGH THE STRATOSPHERE, BUT THE BOTTOM OF IT IS JUST GETTING RESIDUE HEAT LIKE A LAZY MOTHERFUCKER.
HIGHEST TEMPERATURE IT’LL GO!
REMOVE THE PAPER FROM THE OUTSIDE, THEN CARVE OUT THE FACE OF YOUR CUPCAKES. A BLADE HELPS.
SLAP A SCOOP OF STRAWBERRY OR VANILLA ICE CREAM INTO THAT DIVOT.
TOP THAT SHIT WITH THOSE BEAUTIFUL STRAWBERRIES, MAKE A FUCKING PILE WITH IT, DON’T SKIMP ON THAT MOUTHGASM POTENTIAL.
GO TO TOWN ON THAT FUCKTRUCK.
SHOVE YOUR SUGAR/EGG SHIT INTO A PLASTIC BAG AND RIP OFF A SMALL CORNER TO SQUEEZE IT THROUGH, OR USE A FROSTING BAG WITH A LARGE TIP IF YOU’RE FEELING FUCKING FANCY.
GRAB A SAUCEPAN AND GENTLY PLACE SOME BRANDY INSIDE. YOU WANT IT ON LOW HEAT, JUST WARM THAT SHIT.
SWIRL THE WHITE GOO ON TOP, THEN MERCILESSLY SHOVE THE CUPCAKES INTO THE OVEN. GIVE THIS STEP YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION.
YOU JUST WANT THE MERINGUE ON TOP TO BROWN A BIT, NOT BURN!
TAKE A TABLESPOON OF YOUR WARMED BRANDY AND SPRINKLE IT OVER THE TOP OF YOUR STILL-WARM MERINGUE. .
DIM THE LIGHTS, FLICK A MATCH AND LIGHT IT ON FIRE!!!!
PROTIP - MAKE SURE THIS IS DONE WHERE THERE IS NOTHING FLAMMABLE NEARBY. KEEP A CUP OF WATER HANDY JUST IN CASE.
WAIT UNTIL THIS SHIT BURNS ITSELF OUT BEFORE CONSUMING!
BLOWING ON IT IS A BAD IDEA (FLYING FLAMING BRANDY IGNITING EVERYTHING)
SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP PUTTING ICE CUBES IN YOUR LEMONADE. YOU WANT FIX YOUR WATERY LEMONADE? ADMITTING THERE’S A PROBLEM IS THE FIRST STEP TO STOP BEING A PUSSY, AND MOVING ON TO BEING A MAJESTIC MOTHERFUCKER.
GET SOME FRUIT.
BLUEBERRIES, STRAWBERRIES, PEACHES, LEMONS, LIMES, FUCK I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE PAPAYA OR MANGO! GET YOUR ASS OUTSIDE AND PUNCH SOME BUSHES UNTIL IT CRIES FOR MERCY AND HANDS YOU YOUR GODDAMN FRUIT.
BERRIES YOU CAN JUST SHOVE INTO THE ICEBOX AND GO CONQUER A COUNTRY WHILE YOU WAIT A DAY FOR IT TO FREEZE.
PEACHES AND NECTARINES, FUCK, YOU CAN EAT THE DAMN SKIN ON THOSE! TAKE OUT THAT MACHETE YOU KEEP IN YOUR BACK POCKET, BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHEN A DINOSAUR COULD COME KNOCKING AND MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO BE PREPARED, THEN HACK THAT DELICIOUS MOTHERFUCKER INTO SLICES.
NOW PUT THOSE BEAUTIFUL FUCKERS IN YOUR FREEZER.
YOU’RE A CITRUS KINDA ASSHOLE?
TAKE THE SKIN OFF YOUR CITRUS AND RECYCLE THAT SHIT! SAVE THE WHALES, YOU HARCORE MOTHERFUCKER.
I BET YOU CAN SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING, WITH THE FREEZER.
FUCK.
WHEN YOUR FRUIT IS FROZEN, USE THEM INSTEAD OF ICE CUBES TO KEEP YOUR DRINK AS COLD AS A SNOWMAN’S FROSTY DICK, AND MAKE ALL YOUR FRIENDS OR MAYBE ONLY YOUR PETS SAY ‘WOW WHAT A CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER’
IF YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC TYPE OF SHITHEAD, YOU CAN PUT YOUR FROZEN-ASS FRUIT INTO RUM OR VODKA OR SOME SHIT.
NOT ONLY ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE A COLD, FLAVORED DRINK, BUT YOU’LL GET YOUR DAILY SERVINGS OF FRUIT. YOU SNEAKY LITTLE HEALTH-CONSCIOUS ASSHOLE.
